What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 01:44
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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And i lived it daily.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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She was in good health!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
It was going to be , some day.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She loved him until the end.
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was very sick at this time too.
Why do so many autistic adults deal with self-hatred?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Would this be the day?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Ive learnt so much.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But it wasn’t much.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
All the time i was locked up.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My family never makes their pension either.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Comes on , in middle age.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I don,t even have a pension.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was seconnd youngest,
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I write beautiful poetry .
When she asked me how she looked .
We all went to grammer schools
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I said to her
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Put me off passion for life!!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I couldn’t, believe it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Who then, do I blame.?
Why did i forgive my father ?
We were not on the streets..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was 9 years of age.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
(And it was in our own minds.)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She wouldn,t have been !
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But, we were locked up after school.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She found it foreign!.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
This is soul school!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He knew the spot.
What did i know ?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So whats the point in blame.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
So, i spoilt her more .
I think the readers, may guess!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I have no regrets .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I waited trembling.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She married twice! .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My life is so biszare .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I will be 64.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One cannot live in the past .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im still living with it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I could never make a relationship work though!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was scared of men, in general
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.